One of the most talked about questions right now is this: Can a Christian attend a gay wedding?

I’ve heard countless viewpoints, arguments, and challenges from many different directions. But today, I want to speak from a perspective I rarely see represented.

Before I surrendered my life to Jesus, I was one of the first people in the country to travel to Massachusetts to enter into a same-sex marriage. In fact, we were the first couple from the state of Minnesota to do so.

Today, my life is surrendered to Jesus, and I minister to people who carry scars from lives like mine but have a burning desire to follow Christ. I’ve spent over 20 years studying Scripture on this topic and wrestling with what it means to love people living under the rainbow umbrella while remaining faithful to the Word of God. It is from that perspective that I write this.

It was June 18, 2004, in Provincetown, Massachusetts.

There was no one there for me.

No family present.

No friends celebrating me.

The woman I was marrying had family there, though even among them there were mixed emotions. Some were excited. Others came because they feared losing relationship if they didn’t.

People often ask me how it felt that no one came to support me or show they loved me.

Here is the honest truth, from that day on the beach until today:

I believed the people who stayed away were standing on their convictions. If they had attended my wedding, I would not have viewed it merely as love or support. I would have viewed it as agreement. As witnesses to what was happening.

Our actions speak louder than words.

People often say, “I just want them to know I love them.” And I believe many sincerely mean that. But if we examine that statement honestly, what is often underneath it is this:

“I don’t want them to hate me.”

“I don’t want them to cut me out of their life.”

Those are understandable fears. But they are also rooted, at least in part, in self-preservation.

And that leads us to another important question:

Do we fear God more than we fear man?

Scripture repeatedly calls believers to stand firm in truth even when it costs us approval, comfort, relationships, or reputation. The fear of man will always tempt us toward compromise. But the fear of the Lord calls us to obedience, even when it is difficult.

There is a long-standing argument that refusing to attend a same-sex wedding is unloving or unlike Jesus.

My question is this:

How are we defining love?

Scripture tells us plainly:

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13:6)

Read that again.

Biblical love is both grace and truth.

Jesus demonstrated this constantly, but one of my favorite examples is found in John 8. A woman caught in adultery is brought before Him while her accusers stand ready with stones in their hands. Jesus kneels down and begins writing in the sand. Then He looks up and asks her, “Where are your accusers?”

She answers, “They have left.”

And then we see grace and truth displayed together in perfect harmony:

“Neither do I condemn you.”

Grace.

“Go and sin no more.”

Truth.

Jesus did not separate the two.

Truth without grace becomes harshness and legalism, which is not love.

Grace without truth becomes affirmation without repentance, which is also not love.

Love requires both.

In the story of Lot, we see that he looked toward Sodom and liked what he saw. He saw prosperity. Opportunity. Potential.

But what God saw was a people who had rejected Him and were doing what was right in their own eyes.

At first, Lot merely pitched his tent near Sodom. He didn’t move into the city immediately. He just wanted to be close to it.

But eventually, he became a man sitting at the gate of Sodom — a place of influence and authority. Long before he physically moved into the city, his heart had already drifted there.

It was subtle.

One compromise at a time.

A wedding is not simply a gathering. It is a celebration and affirmation of a covenant. And marriage was designed by God, not government. Scripture defines it as between one man and one woman, reflecting Christ and the Church.

No one stood beside me in Massachusetts because they understood that what I was entering into did not reflect God’s design. They could not celebrate me walking further into deception and destruction.

Ephesians 5 tells us:

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”

People in same-sex relationships are not likely to interpret your attendance at their wedding as “loving disagreement.” They see it as affirmation. A mixed message.

They see it as compromise.

How do I know that?

Because I lived it.

And before surrendering my life to Jesus, I attended many same-sex weddings myself.

And before someone says, “But Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners,” let me ask this:

Why did Jesus eat with them?

Was it to say, “Keep living however you want”?

Look at Zacchaeus. What happened after he encountered Jesus? His life changed.

Not because Jesus gave him only truth.

And not because Jesus gave him only grace.

He encountered love — which is both.

One final thing to consider:

What are you afraid will happen if they get married without you there?

Do you think God needs your attendance to reveal His love to them?

Do you think they are beyond hope if you refuse to celebrate something you believe dishonors Him?

God is far bigger than that.

In closing, I want us all to consider what it truly means to love well — not only in this situation, but in every situation.

Jesus is our example.

He never compromised truth by affirming sin. Yet He was full of compassion toward sinners. He called people to leave their old lives behind and follow Him.

He showed compassion.

But He also spoke truth plainly.

We live in a world that has heard endless messages about compassion but is desperately starving for truth.

As Christians, we must be equipped to show the love of Jesus — the kind of love that is rooted in both grace and truth.

Written by Gracie Poole

Director of Operation 100th Sheep

A ministry of Agape First Ministries